Fire
by T is for Tori
Summary: Niou tries to make sense of the relationship he shares with Yagyuu, why he's so damaged and what he may possibly want.


**A/N:** Yeah, there is a distinct lack of sadistic Niou but I wondered what it would be like to write him without that side that everyone preys on. Ah well. Constructive criticism, please!

**Fire**

It's been five years he and I have schooled together. We've been in the same class for five years. I see him practically everyday, we go around everywhere together practically all the time; it's no surprise people think we're best friends. But we know better. See, firstly, there's the term itself. Whoever can use the words "best friends" without cringing, doubting or deluding themselves shouldn't live on the face of the earth.

We've all had best friends. I was in kindergarten when I met Taichi. We shared the only shovel in the sandpit and gave each other rainbows of bruises. After he ate my cucumber sandwich Mother gave me that day in a rare show of affection, I pulled out a large tuft of his honey-coloured hair and brought the shovel home. He went back that day with a large scar running down his calf.

Yagyuu and I probably are around each other more than anyone else is ever around us. We're probably just loners and no one else wants to befriend us so we've kinda just left it like that. We have other friends, acquaintances we hang around with but when the other is available, we just come together. It's seamless; no questions asked. I often wonder why but I haven't found the answer. It's probably because we've been around each other for a long time and can just sit in silence when there is nothing to say. Or maybe because it's a habit to seek out someone you've had a habit of seeking out. So maybe that's why they call us best friends.

We talked about it once when Kimura asked me, when Yagyuu was absent, where my best friend was. I actually stared at him for a minute before realizing who the only contender for best friend could be. Then I laughed at him and shoved my calculus homework to him.

When I told Yagyuu, he simply glanced at me and asked rhetorically, "What could have given him that idea?"

We're not emotional, sentimental creatures. I have never given him a physical birthday present nor sent him a card of condolence when his father died. I remembered and knew, of course. I did buy a present; a pack of cigarettes; my favourite brand. I did make a card; "Aren't you happy?" scribbled on the back of my volumetric analysis notes. But I didn't give it to him because I remember way back then when I gave him my literature notebook where the teacher was semi-good and actually inspired me to write some semblances of poetry. I never knew why I handed him that ratty notebook, worn to the thinnest of paper because of my incessant flipping and pressing of the pen to the paper hard. Maybe I was a child.

He received the present with two hands like anyone with manners is bound to. He never said anything about it.

I wouldn't call it hurt because I'm not sure I'm capable of such an emotion. I remember some anger though and I was ashamed to feel it. Then, I decided that emotions we were embarrassed off wouldn't be seen if nothing was done to warrant them.

I stopped giving anyone anything from then, except a black eye or a purple bruise when I felt particularly happy.

Come to think of it, I feel tremendously stupid for giving him that book. No one actually saw it but Nakamura-sensei and she just wrote in her elegant script, raw. Maybe I was vulnerable that year with the divorce, not that I feel anything towards it now.

We've had a rather simple relationship. We're friends. We joke, we tease. We ring each other for the homework; me, we share our lunches when the other forgets to bring it and none of us want to eat the muck they serve; me. We offer support when the other needs it; me.

And yet it all seems so surface when I look at Seiichi, Sanada and Renji. Not that I would ever let anyone know I've been looking. They share this thing that I don't think I would ever hope to share with anyone in my entire life. When Sanada loses a match in the extremely, extremely, extremely rare occasion that he does, Renji puts down his notebook, extremely, extremely rare occasion, and walks to the water cooler and just stands while Sanada drowns himself in the cascading water. I've seen it before. They never say anything but it's like you can feel the intensity radiating from between them. After fifteen minutes and Sanada looks like his mother just died, Renji will place a hand on his shoulder. Sanada will then turn off the tap, replaced his cap and the two of them will walk back to the rest of the team, but not before Renji takes off his shirt for Sanada to dry himself. Understanding in no words.

Everyone asked him what happened when he walked back with his wet shirt and he never said anything. Since then, nobody asked again.

When Seiichi was sick, Sanada visited him at least four times a week. I know because a little birdy sang. He brought along fruits, tonics, soups and a lot of birds' nest. He stayed by Seiichi's bed side and updated him on what was happening in Rikkai. But whenever he saw a wistful twinge in his eye, he would take out the Scrabble board underneath the bed and play with him till visiting hours were over. Sanada always won. Not because Seiichi was bad. Sanada just kept the dictionary under the bed so he would win and Seiichi would never feel that he was letting him win just because he was sick.

Once, I asked Seiichi, rather cruelly, if he deliberately chose not to get better quicker so Sanada would accompany him and Seiichi could live his life through him. It was a long time before he replied me but when he did, he said, "Maybe. But I would do the same for him."

I was floored by the suggestion that anyone would give up their time, their life, practically, for someone. I've never had to fight for attention nor love; there was none for me growing up. I don't really know but when I left that dreary room on the tenth floor, I may have seen a glimmer in his eyes.

There's something unspeakable about the trio everyone deems the best in tennis. They are so coordinated and in tune with each other that they walk in slow, comfortable gaits, shoulder-to-shoulder. They never break stride nor does anyone walk faster or slower. Everyone seems to give way to the three of them walking in a single row and nobody seems to even try and separate them. That's how it is.

Maybe that's how Yagyuu and I are too.

Maybe we're distant and that's how it's meant to be.

One of the main reasons I think we're not better friends than we are is apathy. Once upon a time, I used to feel, a lot. Something changed me. However, I presume Yagyuu never was open about his emotions or never felt anything before. Correction; three years back, he beat me up till I couldn't walk when he found out that I stole the test papers from the teachers' room and left them in his backpack. It was a rather ridiculous attempt at a joke because nobody in their right minds would ever accuse Yagyuu of cheating and Yagyuu had the incredible gift of being the only one of few in the world to make me feel sorry for myself.

But, seriously. I stopped putting effort after that birthday gift. I've never asked him how his day was except for the obligatory "How's it going?" that I say to people I roughly like. I've never visited his house. I've never had a long conversation of the phone with him about everything and nothing at all which I know Kirihara and Marui have. Granted, they are dating but from what I know about good friends, they do that.

We don't even gossip or talk about other people because Yagyuu has these principles he abides by religiously. That's not to say he is an extremely good person. He will, of course, help an old lady carry her marketing to her house. He will give you his remedy for a hangover if you have a major test that day. But if you think cares for you deep down inside his heart, you have another thing coming.

I think I've tried to get through to him before, when I was a better person, less jaded. I think I tried many times until the fire burnt all that feeling away. He isn't one someone would want to get close too. Sometimes, people distance themselves from others because of emotional baggage. I think people would distance themselves from Yagyuu for the lack of his. There is something absurd about being friends with a person who doesn't feel. I know Yagyuu had problems though. "Family matters" as the guidance counsellor put it on his pupil profile which I sneaked a peek at. His father was an alcoholic and had sordid affairs which made morning news in school before he died. Yagyuu never once spoke to me about it.

I never asked.

Frankly, I never try to do anything outwardly that may make Yagyuu think I care for him because fire burns and I know it. What burns more is you being stupid and playing with the same lighter that scarred you.

Of course, that results in distance.

Distance doesn't mean a lack of emotions on my part. True, I do put in lesser of myself where people are concerned because it doesn't do to let yourself hang out and be disappointed when you know you're gonna be disappointed. Yet, I always get jealous around Yagyuu. It's not so much so that I'm easily jealous. It's just that he has this thing about him.

Everyone who has met Yagyuu says he is a perfect gentleman with impeccable manners. That immediately leads to assumptions that he is a very nice person. All the teachers in my class adore him. Yagyuu always gets distinctions in his tests even when Seiichi works us to the bone and there is not enough time to study. Yagyuu pays utmost attention in class even though the teacher repeats what she has said before for the benefit of better students than me who bother to pay attention yet still don't get it. Don't get him wrong. Yagyuu doesn't care about grades because he knows he will do well for everything. He just doesn't want himself to do lesser than how high he sets the bar. Trust me, Yagyuu's bar is sky high. Maybe that's why I'm not his best friend.

It's because everyone who meets Yagyuu says he's a nice person that drives me up the wall. I, by no means, want people to go around saying I am extremely sweet or anything remotely similar. I just know the real him; the one that isn't so nice, and it kills to see everyone think otherwise. I won't deny I've had the urge on countless occasions to scream to the fans and admirers that Yagyuu is a sadist but I never indulge childish whims because apart from getting burnt, I _fear_ childish. I'm afraid I will go back to that time where I wore emotions on my sleeve. The time where a word would hurt me more than a wound would.

Yagyuu also makes me go crazy with the stupid goals and targets he has. During the ridiculous target-setting that the board made compulsory because too many of us were failing, Yagyuu set all of his ten subjects to A1. He, besides Seiichi and Renji, was the only one. Seiichi is a born genius at everything he sets out to do. Nothing can refute that. Renji gets everything theory correct. But Yagyuu. He is capable of achieving it but he knows how I detest it when he does well. It most probably is jealousy but he tells me all the time that if I had spent thirty minutes on reading the notes of the chemistry paper, I would get higher than he did.

Somehow, I know it's true. I've never been stupid. I just don't study. Whenever I sit for papers, I look at all the questions and something in my brain goes, "I know all the answers." But when I actually do it, I don't know why my hands are incapable of penning down whatever my mind thinks. Sometimes, I think I have some form of dyslexia.

I never study because I always think there's something better to do. Which new hallucinogen to experiment with today, which new cocktail will send my blood coursing through my veins with the fervour I always yearn to attain. And yet, I get jealous because Yagyuu gets higher marks than me by studying while I don't do as well by getting high.

I get pissed. I said before I didn't indulge in childish whims. I do lie and that may be a lie. But all I know is whatever I am jealous of of Yagyuu, I never do anything to rectify it.

It's illogical. I think I may hate Yagyuu for doing better than me and putting in more effort than I do.

I never study. I never make myself out to be the nicer guy because I. Am. Not. Next to Yagyuu, I would be like sin next to purity. The furthest thing from chastity. Nobody in their right mind would make friends with me over Yagyuu. Just because.

It's like how everyone has this intuitive sense that tells them to stay away from some people. I'm that people. Everyone also has this gut feeling that draws them to certain people. Yagyuu is that people.

I can't really blame him for my own faults but I always do. It's easier for me than to face the reality that I really cannot achieve anything much because I never want to achieve anything much badly.

I've tried imagining countless of times when Yagyuu isn't in my life or when I'm not in his. I succeed more often for when I'm not in his.

It's not so much that I cannot live without him. It's more like… well, I don't want to.

There's no friend better than a friend you hate. Hate is relative. You have to love someone to be able to hate them, people say. I don't know if I love or hate Yagyuu. All I know is I'm not allowed to harbour any emotion towards him other than my petulant display of jealousy because I don't allow myself to get burnt.

I keep saying that yet throughout the course of our friendship, I've been burnt plenty. I think all of my epidermis has been thickened so it's now fire-proof.

You know that thing in your life you cannot live without but wished you never needed it? I think Yagyuu is my that thing. I'm not sure why either.

But I really can see his entire life plotted out without the entangling of our tapestries. I see him surrounded by many friends who see not his character but his charm. I see…

Maybe I make him out to be such a bad guy because I wonder why he gets all the affection. Or maybe I don't want anyone to see him as good because I don't want anybody to like him because maybe I want a friend who will want to be my friend as much as I probably want to be his.

Maybe.

I don't know.

All I know is that in all honesty, I would give almost anything for something Seiichi, Renji and Sanada share, because, in all honesty, it does get lonely when you're fire-proof.


End file.
